This story was originally self-published on Medium.

"I haven't watched [a teleserye] in a long time," I tweeted to a colleague, and a friend, "But I might be seated for this one."

This was back in July, and I was replying to a post about the character of Valentina, played by Janella Salvador, on the 2022 version of Mars Ravelo's Darna. The original tweet from my friend said that he understands the sentiment of "Valentina apologists." Before his tweet I'd seen a video of the trailer, where I saw only the briefest glimpse of Valentina. I didn't know the actress. I didn't know who played Darna, either.

This is a running joke about me: I have worked for ABS-CBN for over 10 years now, yet I can still only identify a small handful of our talents. It's not something I'm particularly proud of. Salvador and Jane de Leon -- the actress who plays Darna -- escaped me. I didn't know them back then, on that rainy July night when I replied to my friend, when my thoughts were occupied mostly by the exploits of the Philippine women's national football team in the AFF Women's Championship.

Four months later, and I think of little else.

I support women's rights *and* women's wrongs. https://t.co/WYg4fJAkk6

— Camille B. Naredo (@camillenaredo) July 8, 2022

*****

I grew up watching teleseryes. We didn't have cable growing up, so I knew little of foreign TV shows. I knew the local shows, however, particularly the Mexicanovelas. One of my core memories is looking up at our small TV, sitting on the floor, watching "Marimar" in afternoons after my classes.

When I was in high school, our family was obsessed with "Kay Tagal Kang Hinintay." Again, this is a core memory. The show where the pairing of John Lloyd Cruz and Bea Alonzo came to life. I didn't know it then, but their chemistry was so potent, it would birth entire movie franchises. All I knew at the time was that my mother loved John Lloyd's character so much that she considered naming my youngest sibling after him -- Yuri -- if they had been born a boy.

There was no television in my dormitory in college, but in my first years in the network, I lived with my ninong and ninang and watching teleseryes was a part of the nightly routine in their home. I remember watching "Princess and I," making note of the chemistry again, this time between Kathryn Bernardo and Daniel Padilla. They swerved, back then, because if memory serves correctly Kathryn's character was originally paired with Enrique Gil's.

But sometimes, you swerve. Sometimes, you tear up your best laid plans and outlines and drafts. Sometimes, you are gifted with a surprise and you may not want it, but it's a good surprise and you will not want it to go to waste. Sometimes, you take a risk. You jump off the cliff and trust that you will be caught.

*****

I wasn't lying. When I told my friend I haven't watched a teleserye in years, that was the truth. I last regularly watched a local show in 2017, the year I moved out of my ninong and ninang's house and got my own place. It's been five years, and I still haven't bought a TV set.

Here are other things that happened in the five years since I started living on my own:

1) Came to terms with my bisexuality.
2) Went through a massive -- and expensive -- Marvel phase.
3) Started watching foreign TV shows.
4) Got invested, very much invested, in sapphic ships. I will watch a show, regardless of quality, if it has a sapphic ship in it. I will give it a chance.

I was also lying. When I told my friend I might be seated for Darna, that was not the truth.

The truth is that I am always exhausted; at times I feel like sinking. There are too many leagues going on at the same time, too many games being played, and thus too many stories to write. At night I struggle to sleep, because my brain refuses to stop thinking of the stories that have yet to be written. I know, of course, that this is a problem. Sometimes my eyes glaze over and my brain goes off track, and intrusive thoughts work their way back into my consciousness. In 2020 -- right before the pandemic -- I was diagnosed with some form of depression. I know I should go back to therapy. I know I should go back on medication.

So I lied when I said I was going to watch this show. Why would I? Why should I? There is so much left to do. Will I even have the time?

*****

In many ways, I blame Jane de Leon. She was the one who went on national television and planted the seeds. She told an interviewer that her chemistry with Janella Salvador was so potent, their directors are teasing that their characters might end up together. I remember watching the clip of this interview, and laughing. The response was predictable: Filipino sapphics in the replies and quote tweets calling them the local version of SuperCorp -- the pairing between Kara Danvers and Lena Luthor on the CW's "Supergirl." Even through Twitter, their trauma was obvious -- but so was their anticipation. Looking back, that moment felt like a collective drawing of breaths.

LOOK: Jane De Leon, ibinahagi ang pamamangha ng direktor ng Darna sa chemistry nila ni Janella Salvador.

Aniya ng direktor ng Darna, baka sila Jane at Janella pa nga raw ang magkatuluyan sa huli. 💗@JRBcreativeprod @Imjanedeleon @superjanella

VIDEO: @cnnphilippines pic.twitter.com/S2Zt7qMfXy

— KPEx Official 💫 (@OfficialKpex) August 15, 2022

As for me, I put the interview out of my mind. There's no way, I thought, that something like this will happen. Not on Philippine television. Not on such a high-profile project. Certainly not on Darna, perhaps the most iconic superhero character in Philippine pop culture -- a role that makes careers, or breaks them. There was no way, I thought, that they would shake the table like that.

I told myself: it's one thing to green light Samantha Lee's [incredible, wonderful, beautiful] "Sleep With Me," an original project that aired on iWantTFC, a streaming platform. It's another to take Darna, an iconic work, an iconic character, and make her queer.

• READ: Pilot episode of 'Sleep With Me' gets 1M views on YouTube

But sometimes, you swerve. You see a short clip of two girls -- because at the time their characters were girls -- standing on a cliff. Neither of them want to jump, but at that moment, it's you who makes the leap. You feel that tiny sizzle in your brain first -- what is this? What's going on? Is this happening for real? Neither of them jump, but by the time they leave the cliff, they've taken you with them. You will follow. You will make time.

Watch more News on iWantTFC

*****

Since I'm being honest, I'll say it: at first I only kept up through Twitter. I watched only the clips involving Narda/Darna and Regina/Valentina. I didn't know yet of the other characters -- though of course I knew about Ding, Narda's brother, her sidekick, another iconic character. But I was drawn in by Narda and Regina, by their scenes together, by the words they exchanged. I was drawn in because Jane de Leon didn't lie. Their chemistry was palpable: Narda stares at a poster of Regina Vanguardia, and her smile lights up her entire face, the room, the Earth, Marte, the universe.

Here is Narda now, in Regina's office. How did she get there? How did she get hired? Those parts escaped me. But now she's talking about a man, someone called Brian, and Regina is furious. Janella Salvador plays Regina with equal parts fire and ice; there's a coolness necessary because women who rise to the top of their chosen fields always have to have that veneer. It shields them. She walks and you think she is bulletproof. She is protected by nothing more than the ice in her veins. But in this scene she is furious, and fiery. She is sharp with Narda, who steps back. Jane de Leon plays Narda with all the tenderness required of the role, which makes it all the more impressive when she swallows the stone and becomes Darna and seamlessly steps into the superhero mantle, all tough and unflinching and ready to save the world, actually bulletproof. But right now she is the tender, gentle Narda, unwilling to do or say something that will further make her friend -- because Regina is her friend, as much as she is her boss-- upset. She steps back, and steps out.

That scene alone would have sold me on Narda and Regina. It would have been enough. I was already going to follow them off the cliff, but then, they decided to catch me.

Because Regina's reaction to her disagreement with Narda was not how you'd react to a disagreement with a friend. I've argued with my friends before. I've never emptied a bottle of wine because of those disagreements. I've yet to call them at night, close to tears, over and over again, in the wake of those disagreements. Regina drank herself into a stupor out of despair, not just because she feared she'd lost a friend, but perhaps because she feared the loss of something more.

What is that more? Does Regina even know? Narda walks back into her office the next day, and Regina's eyes light up -- the relief is clear, as is the happiness. She hugs Narda and you feel that she doesn't want to let go. She says, "I can't afford to lose you" to Narda and your brain sizzles again. Were those words really said? On national television? On Darna?

Watch more News on iWantTFC

*****

But first -- some notes.

1) The criticisms are valid, and there are many of them. Here is the most egregious: For several weeks, there was too much focus on the male characters -- particularly on the character of Brian Robles [played by Joshua Garcia]. He is a policeman, and ostensibly Narda's primary love interest. There was a stretch where it seemed as though he was the main character, and not Narda Custodio. I want to continue being honest: I tune out whenever he is on screen. It's not the actor's fault; objectively, he is quite good and with better writing he could be a compelling character. But right now there is nothing about him that interests me, even during the "Dark Brian" arc. Whenever Brian is on screen I keep wondering -- shouldn't I be watching Narda instead?

2) I know what queer-baiting is. Believe me, I've watched enough examples of it on foreign media; I am a veteran of SuperCorp discourse. When I started watching episodes of Darna, it made me laugh, at first, to realize that queer-baiting has reached our shores. I would watch the scenes between Narda and Regina and remind myself — regardless of the response to them, regardless of the fandom they spawned [more on that later], this is still Philippine television. This is still Darna. It will take an act of extreme bravery on the showrunners' part to swerve all expectations and add a new layer into the character of this iconic superhero. What are the chances, I've asked, that this will happen?

3) Back when I regularly watched teleseryes, I incessantly complained on Twitter about the over-reliance on monologues and voice overs. All the way back in 2016, I was ranting on Twitter about how our local shows should put more trust in their audiences. We don't always need to be told, explicitly, what a character feels. Show, don't tell. Trust that your actors are good enough to express what they feel without the need for a long-winding speech. Of course up to now this is still a complaint I can make about Darna. There are still too many monologues, too much exposition, not enough world- and character-building. But one thing remains true: the actors are good enough.

*****

It was inevitable, honestly, that the local sapphic community would latch on to the show, and in particular, to Narda and Regina. I knew it would happen the moment Jane de Leon said the words "chemistry" and "Janella" in the same sentence in that CNN Philippines interview. What I didn't expect, and perhaps what the people behind the scenes also didn't expect, was how deeply and how passionately the local sapphics would be invested in the show and in the pairing.

But honestly, that's my fault. My fault for tuning out of local showbiz and local pop culture for the better part of five years. My fault for not learning about our local artists for half a decade. Before "Sleep With Me" was released in August, I haven't watched a local show since 2017. I missed out on the entirety of "The Rich Man's Daughter" -- to be fair, it aired on the rival network so I had an excuse. The truth is I expected this response. I didn't expect the gravity of the response.

I didn't expect the explosion of fan-made videos, the truly incredible fan art -- so amazing that the actresses themselves have taken note of them. I didn't expect the utter creativity unveiled through social media AUs, through fanfiction. [It took the fandom authors less than a month to reach 100 works on Archive of Our Own, and make the ship tag official]. I didn't expect the smart, incisive analysis of every episode, the in-depth discussion that the fandom would have on Twitter Spaces.

I didn't expect Darlentina to take off the way it did. Oh, I knew it would become a thing to Filipino sapphics, because if I latched on to this, it would be inevitable that the people -- the community -- who shared my experiences would do the same. But the magnitude of their response has shocked me.

I didn't expect it, and perhaps it's for that reason that I love it even more.

*****

Darna and Valentina are fated to be enemies, and already the show is sowing the seeds, making it clear that these two will get violent with each other. They will kill each other, or die trying.

But that is a problem for another time, because right now Narda is waiting for Regina outside of a bathroom cubicle. Her face will fall when Regina exits and there are tears in her eyes; the ice in Regina crackles, thins, when it's Narda in front of her. She chooses, at that moment, to be honest. She tells Narda of her fears, of the voices in her head. Narda can't quite connect it to her own fear of the Babaeng Ahas, because at that moment, that is not what matters.

What matters is her reassurance to Regina that she is there -- there to listen, to hold her hand, to be a shoulder to lean on. Regina does exactly that -- puts her head on Narda's shoulder. "Ayun lang ang kailangan ko," she says, and this time the sizzle isn't limited to your brain.

Watch more News on iWantTFC

You wonder. With every scene like this, you wonder. Regina visits Narda's house and is immediately loved by her family, and later, they will hold hands. In another scene, Narda is back in Regina's office, watching as she does a live report. Her eyes crinkle as she smiles; Regina grins at her, asks for her approval.

Even when they seem to be building towards different pairings -- Regina/Brian, and Narda/Brian -- you will still wonder. Because here is Narda, her eyes screaming in pain, when Regina tells her that she and Brian have kissed. Here again is Narda, throwing her arms around Regina after she has been kidnapped. She will shrug off Brian's attempts to embrace her. In that moment, you feel that all that matters to her is Regina's safety.

You wonder. Because Narda kisses Brian back, and yet in the next episode she confesses immediately to Regina, and she tells her, with no hesitation, that she does not want to cause her pain. Regina's response breaks you -- "You're willing to give all of this up… just for me?" -- and Narda's ensuing nod crushes what's left of your heart. Even Narda's utterance of the dreaded word -- "kapatid" -- cannot stop you from thinking, from wondering, from asking the age-old question: This is queer-coded, isn't it?

Watch more News on iWantTFC

You wonder. You do not want to be delusional. You keep telling yourself that this is Philippine TV, that this is Darna. You wonder to yourself -- maybe it's just the chemistry, maybe it's just the acting choices being made. Janella Salvador has said she wants to put her own spin on Valentina. It's also an iconic character, one that's been played by some of the greatest actresses in Philippine history. Maybe this is her way of taking ownership of the character. You are honest with yourself -- Jane de Leon does have some chemistry with the actor who plays Brian. It does not compare to her and Janella Salvador setting every scene they have together on fire, but there is a quiet heat there, and if they write it better, you can see why they're pushing this pairing.

But still, you wonder. Maybe this is the part where you're free-falling off the cliff.

*****

More notes on the fandom: A generation of Filipino sapphics have watched their favorite characters on foreign shows get sidelined for men. They've watched the gays get buried. They watched shows centered on lesbians get canceled after just one season, leaving them hanging, aching for more. They've watched two female characters set the screen aflame, episode after episode, season after season, only to end up with men in the end. They've been teased at conventions, given unfair hints by show-runners, actors, writers. They've suffered through series finales where all their hopes for a happy ending were dashed.

In Narda and Regina, they have been given a local pairing that they can relate to, that they can hold onto. You cannot expect them to just watch passively. They will do everything they possibly can -- everything in their power -- to let the show-runners know that they are watching. They will make their feelings known. They will force you to listen. They may not make the show-runners change their mind, but they will force them to listen. They will make it impossible for them to be ignored.

And also, they will not let go. They will be discouraged by plot choices, by the developments in the story, by the twists and the turns. But as long as there is a chance, a slim chance, a sliver of hope, they will not let go.

Because some of them waited several seasons -- years and years -- to watch their favorite sapphic ships on foreign shows end up together, and were disappointed. Yet they kept watching these kinds of shows, kept supporting these sapphic ships, kept hoping, hoping, hoping, that this next show, this next ship, will be the one. The endgame.

Here now, in Darlentina, they have a local pair to pour that hope into. To quote the kids -- it hits different, when you watch their scenes and realize that you do not need subtitles to understand what's being said. When you can properly identify what you feel as kilig -- a universal experience that is somehow also quintessentially Filipino.

Filipino sapphics felt that kilig in foreign pairs, and they didn't give up on them. They didn't give up on Kara and Lena, on Eve and Villanelle, on Emma and Regina -- why will they give up now? When the hope they feel is tangible?

*****

What does this hope feel like?

It's when you chance upon a Twitter Space, shortly before your shift at work ends, and there are the two main actresses, answering questions about the show and the ship and their characters. It's when Janella Salvador expresses her wonderment at the fan art that she sees, and tells the entire world that she shows them to Jane de Leon. It's Jane de Leon wondering how the fans even find her old roles -- roles where she played queer characters. It's Janella saying, "See you later, Jane," and setting off fireworks in an entire fandom. It's when they actually utter the word "Darlentina" and you realize that they are aware of it; more than that, they appreciate it, love it.

It's a weekend in Las Vegas that produces more content than you can ever ask for, where you get validation from the actresses who tell you that they see you, and that they are grateful for your support and your effort and your love. It's Janella Salvador saying -- "This is your president speaking" -- further endearing her to a fandom who will already move mountains for her. It's the actresses posing in Velma and Daphne costumes, and breaking your side of the internet. Because they have to know, don't they? They have to know exactly what they're doing.

Belated ispuki season from Ja-neh and I 👻 pic.twitter.com/U9qm0d3QMk

— Janella Salvador (@superjanella) November 5, 2022

It's a thread, over 300 tweets long, of a writer's imagination put into words and fake tweets and fake messages and fake Instagram posts, and it reminds you of the mistakes that you made in your own life, and you have no other choice but to sit down and try very hard not to cry on a Tuesday afternoon. It's another tweet, just one, that makes you laugh and joke about how you don't really need therapy because hey, look at you, laughing.

It's a genuinely spicy story on AO3 that makes you, a veteran of fandoms and fan-works and fan WARS, blush and close your eyes after you read it. It's another story on AO3, left unfinished, that tempts you to message the author and ask for an update. You don't. You've been on the other side. You know that patience is key when it comes to this. More often than not, there will be payoff.

It's a fan-made trailer, using clips from the show, that displays not just the creativity but the flat-out skill of the fandom. It's this trailer going viral in the span of hours, making its way to other social media platforms including Facebook. It's people outside of your fandom bubble acknowledging the chemistry, and agreeing that, yes, they see it. They see it in these actresses, in this pairing. Whatever it is that you see, it is also visible even to those who do not necessarily share your life experiences. It is the kind of validation that you don't need, but appreciate just the same.

• READ: Fan-made Jane-Janella romcom trailer goes viral

This is the hope you cling to, when the show makes no promises of catching you in your free-fall. You don't blame the actresses; it's not their fault that they have this kind of chemistry, the kind that forces you to reassess how you've gone from not knowing their names in July to being absolutely willing to go to war for either of them at the drop of the hat. This is the hope you hold on to when the show barfs out a mediocre episode on a Monday night, failing to fulfill the promises made in an explosive preview that got you through a tough weekend of work. This is how you hope.

*****

You try not to hope too much, though.

You try not to convince yourself that there is a chance, however slim, that the show-runners will make Darna queer. To make it so that Narda will come to terms with what she feels for Regina, why she waited for her outside a bathroom cubicle and welcomed her into her home, why she held her hands and why she was drawn to the girl on the cliff. Why she wanted to save her. Why she didn't think twice before sacrificing a potential relationship for her -- why Regina's feelings are always foremost in her mind, in her priorities.

You try not to hope that they will swerve from the usual formula of Darna and Valentina, perennial enemies with many classic battles between them over the course of many generations. You try not to cling too much to the character of Regina, knowing that she is the primary antagonist, the villain, and knowing that in Philippine TV, villains die. They die gruesome, horrible deaths to further the hero's story, regardless of how the hero may feel for them. The show is now on its second season. Already, you're preparing for when Regina suffers the fate that previous Valentinas have already met.

You try not to read too much into tweets made by the show-runner, about their love for the Darlentina fandom, their acknowledgement of the chemistry between them. You ignore the whispers of fellow fans about "rewrites" and "edits." You joke with them when they say that "something shifted" for the thousandth time, but in your mind you tell yourself -- don't be delusional. You try not to hope that maybe, just maybe, there will be a swerve here. They've swerved before, you tell yourself. Remember Kathryn and Daniel? That's enough for one lifetime.

You try not to hope too much, even though you know yourself. You know yourself through years of pop culture intake, of watching and obsessing and hyper-fixating on whatever it is that catches your attention. And it has taken you years, but now you finally -- finally -- know yourself as a queer woman, and sometimes all you want is simply to see other queer women be happy, even if just on-screen, even if just in this make-believe world where stones are swallowed and snakes speak.

So you warn yourself against this -- against whatever this is -- knowing fully well that it's too late. You are seconds away from meeting the bottom off the cliff. Seconds away from the crash. There is no one to catch you.

But there is always that hope. It may not happen here, not in Darna, not in this edition, not with Jane de Leon and Janella Salvador despite their incredible chemistry. But one day you're gonna scroll through your Twitter feed again and be surprised, because here is an actress, and she's talking about her chemistry with her fellow actress, and she will surprise you even more because she says that yes, this is a story about them, about how they end up together, about how they will be a "love team." You will fight with yourself again, not wanting to be invested, not wanting to be baited; you will tell yourself that you are too old to do this. You are too old to want to see yourself in the media you watch. You have enough life experiences to draw on from. You don't need this.

It will be a losing battle. You will be seated for them, and you will watch as they stare into each others' eyes, as they hold hands, as one of them lean her head on the other's shoulder, as they eat dinner as a family, and maybe, even as they kiss. You will watch them say, "Mahal kita," on Philippine television, to the shock of those who railed in anger at just the thought of a queer Darna.

You will watch them have a happy ending.

You did not cry for any of the foreign sapphic pairings that you watched in your younger years. But this time, you will. It has not happened yet, and it probably won't happen for a while. But you already know that there will be tears.

Watch more News on iWantTFC

"Mars Ravelo's Darna" airs weeknights on Kapamilya Channel, Kapamilya Online Live, A2Z, TV5, and iWantTFC.