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MANILA – Jodi Sta. Maria admitted playing a role “that is so close to home” is hard for her as an actress.

Like her character Dr. Jill Illustre in the ABS-CBN series “The Broken Marriage Vow,” it is no secret that Sta. Maria also had a tumultuous marriage with Pampi Lacson, with whom she had a son Thirdy.

Opening up about her own experience, Sta. Maria told Karen Davila in the broadcaster’s vlog that their separation more than 10 years ago was one of the most painful experiences she had to go through in life.

“Hindi naman kaila sa lahat na I am separated, na 'Broken Marriage Vow' din talaga ako in real life. It is something na nangyari sa life ko na masasabi ko na isa sa pinaka-painful. Hindi ka naman papasok sa isang commitment or isang covenant para lang masira,” she said.

Sta. Maria said it felt like she hit rock bottom when their relationship fell apart.

“During that time when my marriage did not work out, I felt like I was the biggest failure or the biggest joke. Ganun 'yung pakiramdam ko. Nagkaroon ako ng feeling of shame, of guilt na shucks, nakakahiya. Hindi ko naayos. Hindi ko nabigyan si Thirdy ng buong pamilya. Anong gagawin ko?” she said.

As her coping mechanism, Sta. Maria resorted to partying with friends just to mask her pain.

“I needed distraction. I remember it was also during that time that I did a lot of partying just to drown lang all the pain and just to forget. But then, pagkagising mo the following day, masakit na nga 'yung puso mo, masakit pa 'yung ulo mo sa hangover.”

Fortunately, it was also during that time that she got consecutive acting projects that kept her busy.

“So nakahanap na naman ako ng distraction. May trabaho ako so hindi ko maiisip 'yung mga bagay na mga nangyayari sa akin at home,” she said.

When asked how she overcame her own “broken marriage,” Sta. Maria confessed it did not happen instantly.

“At first naman, I wouldn’t say naman talaga na after the separation, ‘Sige na, let’s be friends.’ Walang ganun. Siyempre a heartbreak is a heartbreak. You will have to go through all these feelings of grief and loss and it will never be easy,” she said.

“But I guess dadating ka sa time na maiisip mo, ano ba ang mas importante, 'yung nararamdaman ko every day na ganito na punong puno ng anger and resentment 'yung heart ko, or does my soul deserve peace? At that time also, naawa din talaga ako sa anak ko. Naipit talaga siya sa dalawang nag-uumpugang bato. Hindi na nga namin siya nabigyan ng pamilyang buo, iipitin pa ba namin siya sa gulo namin because hindi kami magkasundo?”

Currently, Sta. Maria and Lacson remain friends for their son Thirdy.