Hello everybody! Welcome to the briefing about our People's Liberation Army Air Force aircraft. I'm the pilot, Captain Ha So Su Mi.

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I've been ordered to give you this briefing because my commander, Colonel Wah La Lan, isn't available. He's in his cabin being given a shoulder massage by your president.

Anyway, take a look at our plane, the mighty People's Liberation Army Air Force Ilyushin Il-76, which we call the "Deng Va Xia."

Pardon me? Yes, I know we're just letting you look at a stock picture taped to the wall. The real plane is 5 kms away. Those are my instructions. We can't let you natives aboard our precious aircraft.

The Il-76 is a sophisticated four-engine versatile multi-role plane. It can serve as a command post, an airborne warning and control system, a flying hospital, and a strategic airlifter. Rigged as a troop transport, it can carry fully armed soldiers and tanks. How many? That's a secret, but here's a hint - more than enough to deal with your silly armed forces.

Haha, just joking.

The Il-76 is huge, so big that we joke we can take your islands with us on the plane. Haha kidding again. Why would we want to take your islands? They're ours anyway. Got you. Yes, our plane is huge, but it isn't big enough to lift a volcano from one province to another. Ouch, did I do it again? I'm such a kidder.

Among the things we can transport are tons noodles from China to give to Filipino fishermen in exchange for their fish. If they refuse, we bring the fishermen to China. Am I kidding? Guess.

We can also carry a fleeing dictator, his family, pet trolls and some of their cash.

• What does China's military jet landing in Davao symbolize?

Yes, your question? What does the Philippine defense secretary have to say about this big plane suddenly landing in Davao without warning? Why don't you ask him, he's right there on the airfield. You'll have to wait for him to finish polishing our hubcaps though. The armed forces chief of staff is somewhere pumping gas into the airplane.

You have a follow-up question? First fill up this form.Your answers will determine if you qualify for a free trip aboard our Il-76 straight to a reeducation camp.

When filling up the form, don't forget the part where you describe the state of each of your internal body organs.

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