MANILA - When you hear news of someone passing away, you may have felt the need to comfort the family and kin of the departed. One of the most practical ways to support them during their time of grief is through monetary assistance.

"Abuloy" is a widely practiced Filipino tradition which has gone beyond families. Even in offices, envelopes are passed around when someone experiences a death in the family. Some private companies even offer death assistance among their employee benefits.

Despite the popularity and wide acceptance of the practice, there are no clear rules governing the practice of abuloy. Often, people would consult each other if they should give something, what to give, and if they decide to give cash, how much to give out and who to hand it to.

We hear questions like, “My father’s second cousin who I have never seen, but who he speaks fondly off, has passed away. Should I give something to his widow?”; “Our driver’s grandfather passed away, how much should I contribute?”; "My friend’s dad passed away but he is from the second family, and it’s the legal wife who is calling the shots. Should I give cash?”

The truth of the matter is that there are no hard and fast rules governing this tradition. Practices and expectations vary among people and families. Some families give instructions about omitting flowers and sending donations to charities in the name of the departed, but this is the minority.

This means you sometimes have to make a decision based on your reading of the situation, which may or may not be complicated. If you wish to make an abuloy, but are not too sure about how to go about it, some factors to consider will be the level of need of the family of the departed; your closeness to the family; and of course, your financial capacity to give.

Here are some questions to ask to guide you in the practice of making an abuloy:

· How much help do they need? For some, it may be apparent that the family of the departed is in need of financial assistance. In this case, give the amount that you are comfortable to give, based on your budget. When the envelope is passed around the office, for instance, give the amount that you are comfortable to spare. However, while there are some families who readily express their need for financial help, there is an equal number that will be quiet about this, leaving you to figure it out yourself. You may be wondering, for instance, if you should give abuloy and if so, how much, to your colleague. If you are in doubt, it won’t hurt to ask privately about how the family is coping with the financial impact of the death.

· What is your relationship with the departed? Your degree of closeness to the family of the departed is another factor that should guide your decision-making process. The closer you are, the more you might want to give something, not necessarily monetary in nature. Among some families, this might be expected of you. Again, it depends on the dynamics of the family. While this is not an obligation on your part, assistance made at this time will definitely be appreciated.

· How much can you afford? Give what you can realistically afford to give without having to break your budget. Just as you wouldn’t want to be stingy, you also wouldn’t want to give an amount that can hurt your cash flow simply because you want to match the donations of others. Don’t worry if you cannot spare much financially. No matter how small your contribution is, it will go a long way in showing the family of the departed that you care for them.

Of course, money is not the only form of assistance that you can give grieving families. For many, your presence at the wake or your words of comfort are far more valuable during their time of grief. If the family needs assistance with logistics, you can give that too—it is during this time when families need to make several logistical arrangements within a short period of time, e. g., wake and funeral arrangements need to be completed in less than a week. For a colleague who has experienced a loss, you can offer to assist her with work she has left behind at the office. Mass offerings, flowers, and other tokens, are appreciated as well.

Since the practice of making abuloy is deeply ingrained in the Filipino culture, you may wish to set a budget specifically for unforeseen expenses such as this when you plan your budget. Death is a fact of life, and being financially ready to make a donation every so often is something that you could plan for.

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