OPINION/SATIRE: Are you qualified to help assist in the Dengvaxia investigation?

Alan Robles -- Hot Manila

Posted at Feb 20 2018 03:39 AM

Are you confused by the controversy over the Dengvaxia vaccine? Here are the two things you should always remember about the issue:

One, if you don't take the vaccine, you might get infected with dengue, which could worsen into a life-threatening fever with severe hemorrhaging.

Two, if you take the vaccine, you might get invited to a Senate hearing which could worsen into an outbreak of blustering speakers with severe hemorrhaging of the mouth.

Are you still worried? Don't be! Our politicians have the situation well in hand. Together with their experts and consultants, they are devoting time and resources into trying to figure out how to pin the blame on the previous administration.

To help them, we have come up with this short survey that YOU can take to see if you are qualified to assist our politicians in their quest.

Please answer to the best of your ability.

1. Are you sick?

 a. Yes

 b. No

 c. Sometimes

2. Would you say you are coming down with dengue fever?

 a. Yes

 b. No

 c. Not sure

3. Which of the following symptoms do you have?

 a. High fever

 b. Heavy infestation of sleazy lawyers

 c. Sudden onset of Persida Acosta

4. Would you say that you are dead?

 a. Yes

 b. No

 c. Working on it

5. Really dead?

 a. Yes

 b. Sure

 c. Yep definitely dead

6. How dead?

 a. As dead as the justice secretary's hair

 b. As dead as Duterte's campaign promises

 c. As dead as the MRT 3

7. Do you blame the Dengvaxia vaccine?

 a. Yes

 b. Of course

 c. That damn vaccine!

9. Would you be willing to testify in the senate?

 a. Yes

 b. Just wheel me in

 c. I'm a victim and I need my chance to speak!

10. Even if the senator asking the questions is Gordon?

 a. Let me think about it

 b. Do I have to?

 c. Can't I just have another dengvaxia shot?

11. Are you ready to physically attack the health secretary as she steps out of the Senate's elevator?

 a. Yes

 b. Sure

 c. Lemme at her!

12. What do you think should be done about the Dengvaxia scandal?

 a. Penalize the drug company

 b. Jail Aquino

 c. Attack all yellows

13. You forgot to say "declare martial law"

 a. Oh sorry

 b. Declare martial law

 c. Declare martial law AND emergency rule

Rate yourself: If you answered everything after Question 4, this means that you are probably alive and not dead. This is very suspicious and means you are probably dishonest. We suggest you apply for a position at the Palace.