OPINION: New Year's Resolutions From The Palace

A lavandera with strange powers was walking past one of Malacañang Palace's gates when she was run down by a speeding backhoe. Brought to the hospital, she woke up after a few hours and started writing down the following New Year's resolutions, claiming she had received them from a "mysterious source":

1. Crush the drug problem
2. Change the Constitution
3. Stop swearing
4. God damn it, I'm serious
5. Calm down
6. Kiss a Marcos - Imee, Bongbong or Imelda?
7. Before kissing a Marcos, take fentanyl
8. Crush crime
9. Stop lying
10. Declare Martial Law
11. Crush smuggling
12. Stop talking about fentanyl
13. KEEL THEM ALL OBOSEN
14. Buy a jet ski
15. End corruption
16. Cut down on fentanyl
17. Stop lying
18. Wait, didn't I already promise to stop lying?
19. Who cares
20. Visit China regularly
21. Look up what "kowtow" means
22. Go on double date with Vlad. Movies then karaoke bar?
23. Stop shooting people dead
24. I'm lying
25. No I'm not
26. Stop throwing people out of helicopters
27. I'm lying
28. Wait, what am I lying about now? Anyway, STOP LYING. S-T-O-P I-T
29. Stop throwing people out of helicopters because the last time I did it, I accidentally threw out the pilot. Thankfully, I survived the crash
30. Tell communications staff to stop eating so much
31. Recommend fentanyl to communications staff
32. I'm lying
33. STOP IT
34. Bury Marcos
35. I already did? OK
36. Declare Bongbong Marcos vice president
37. Bury Bongbong Marcos
38. Hups, mistake! Can I claim collateral damage?
39. Break up with the United States
40. Buy more packing tape
41. Curse Obama
42. Feed the trolls
43. Feed the trolls fentanyl, to help improve their fake stories
44. Give free education to students
45. Shoot students
46. I'm lying
47. Ban De Lima firecracker
48. DESTROY DE LIMA
49. Step down from office
50. I'm lying

--------------------

For more, https://www.hotmanila.ph/
https://twitter.com/hotmanila
https://www.facebook.com/Hotmanila/

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.