OPINION/SATIRE: Basketball in the age of Duterte

Alan Robles — Hot Manila

Posted at Jul 06 2018 09:45 PM

The recent brawl between the Philippine and Australian basketball teams points to one important conclusion: the urgent need for reform.

After all, under this administration, change is coming, right? Now is the best time to implement new rules, new concepts that will bring the game in line with the Duterte administration's unique character and spirit.

Here are our proposals for changes in the game that, we feel, reflect the special values of Our Glorious Leader and his Wonderful Regime.

Modesty aside, we think these changes are significant enough to be included in the draft constitution. They should probably be put somewhere in the preamble or Article I. We're sure the delegates won't object, just tell them it's what the president wants and they'll bleat and do as they're told.


Henceforth a typical basketball game will consist of the following parts: 

1. Opening Ceremony

2. National anthem 
 Sniper assassination optional

3. Jump ball to determine possession of the ball
4. First half consisting of two quarters

5. Half-time break 
 Players can rest and reload 
 Announcement: Bong Go is running for senator 
 Announcement: Bong Go is not running for senator

6. Second half consisting of two quarters

7. Possible extension of game in overtime. Definite extension of presidential term

8. Game ends
 Winner is proclaimed. 
 Martial Law is proclaimed. 
 Bong Go is proclaimed. 
 Casualties are counted. 

Accepted Team Duterte tactics:

1. Ferdinand Marcos style — team steals the ball. Also the trophy, the clock, the referees' watches and the audience's valuables.
2. Run and gun — team plays a fast aggressive gun using semi-automatic pistols.
3. Tandem — as in run and gun except that the team uses motorcycles.
4. Pick and roll — player picks an opponent and rolls over him with a motorcycle. 

General strategy:

1. Losing by 10 pts — bring out the chairs.
2. Losing by 20 pts — bring out the shotguns.
3. Losing by 30 pts — declare martial law. 

Unique plays:

1. One on one — player picks an opponent and decks him with punches. 
2. Two on one — Two players guard one opponent. One distracts the opponent by making funny faces. His team mate sneaks up and knocks the opponent out with a crowbar. 
3, Triple team — Two players hold down an opponent on the floor while a third team mate bashes the target with a chair. 
4. Full-court press — four players hold one opponent down on the floor, while eight members of the team beat the guy with chairs. 

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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.