The solution to Metro Manila's horrendous traffic and floods is simple: live in Australia.
This was the key finding in a study presented yesterday by self-proclaimed urban planner Dick Langtrabaho.
According to Langtrabaho, "it's conclusive -- the best way to deal with Manila's terrible gridlock is to live in Oz."
He said he had chosen that particular country for a "very" logical reason -- "because I say so."
As it so happens, he noted, he and his wife are moving to Australia, "to show that our solution to the traffic problem really works."
The expert added: "We are well aware that not everybody can exercise this option on a daily basis. To them, we say: too bad."
Speaking via Google Hangout to a crowd of two that included his adoring wife, Isidra Fabregas, Langtrabaho revealed some other things his research uncovered:
"One finding is that Filipinos only obey traffic rules half of the time. This is because the other half of the time, they are sleeping."
He said this has serious national health care implications.
"Can you imagine? If a Filipino asleep in bed dreams he or she is actually FOLLOWING traffic rules this might lead to a fatal heart attack. Government has to investigate this likelihood."
The urban planning expert said his study has one significant finding about flooding in the metropolis: the finding is that urban planning experts such as himself are bored of newspapers always comparing Manila's flood streets to Venice's canals.
"Seriously. They should find other analogies, this one is really tired."
He gave a short list of problems that the government has to solve if it wants to improve traffic flow.
"It has to do something about unregulated buses and jeepneys, undisciplined drivers, corrupt enforcers, open manholes and malfunctioning traffic signals."
"But," he said, "above all, far and away, government has to do something about the biggest problem we've identified --exploding buildings.
"Filipino drivers now have to worry that random high-rise condos might suddenly violently erupt and toss somebody's living room at their vehicle."
Asked about the methods used in his study, Langtrabaho replied: "Nothing but the best, this is a comprehensive and awesome report, perceptive and intelligent in every way."
The expert revealed that he and his wife plan to leave Manila "because our collective genius is unappreciated."
Langtrabaho added that by moving to Australia, he was giving the Philippine government a "magnificent opportunity" to hire him as a consultant, incidentally paying for his family's plane fares.
He said once he and his wife settle down abroad, they plan to devote themselves to a full-time career sneering at the Philippines.
"Because the country is full of idiots, they're all idiots!" the urban expert suddenly started screaming.
He was last seen being pacified with tranquilizer darts shot by his wife.
Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.