OPINION/SATIRE: Happiness on ten thousand pesos a month

Alan Robles -- HOT MANILA

Posted at Jun 08 2018 08:56 PM

Greetings crybabies! It is I, Dr. Maghirap Kayo, the government's top economic planner.

You lucky people. Do you know why you're lucky? Because I'M the economic planner. Me. 

I got congress to pass that tax law called TRAIN. And yet, instead of squealing your gratitude what do you delinquents do? You WHINE and BITCH. You complain about so-called high prices, alleged inflation, reported devaluation. 

Bah! Idiots! I spit on your graphs!

There are NO PROBLEMS with our tax law. Our figures prove it! Do you know why you are suffering? Because of your IRRESPONSIBLE CRYBABY SPENDING HABITS. 

My calculations conclusively show a family of five can live happily on P10,000 a month. NO JOKE. 

Don't believe me? I will demonstrate. As it so happens, I have a little spare time: I'm between business class flights, also my chauffeured escorted car is being tanked up. So I can do this demonstration for you.

We have right here, a family of five. They were walking by outside so we invited them to my office. All right men, you can stop pointing your shotguns, the crybabies have promised to cooperate.

Whining family of five, you want to know how to live on 10,000 a month, yes? STOP CRYING. Of course you do. I will show you.

First, give me your cellphones. They eat up your budget. Who needs Facebook anyway? All you get is fake news. Also cellphone radiation is bad and treatment could add to your health bills? Fact! See how much money you've saved? Guard, will you pry that smartphone off that shaking child's hands?

Second, have some candles. When you get home, turn off all your lights and appliances, you're wasting money paying for electricity. With candles, you'll only spend P40 a day. That's called fiscal prudence. Appliances? Airconditioners? Who the heck do you think you are, senators? Just sell them, make some extra money, you tax sheep.

Hups, by the way, you have to pay me for those candles.

Third, your food. Here is your lovely meal for today - spaghetti and meatballs. There are exactly five meatballs. But a generous amount of spaghetti - twenty strands! Why that's four for each of you. Eat up! Yum! Did you know you can have such a magnificent repast for P25 per member?

Fourth, did you know you can REALLY save on your food costs if you don't consume soft drinks? In fact, you can save A LOT if you don't drink coffee. In fact, do away with sugar. Stick to water.

Water bill? You can cut that too. When taking a bath, instead of letting the water drain, save it, and the other family members can use it for THEIR baths. Do you need an economics degree to figure that one out?

Fifth, our statisticians have calculated that your rent should cost you P1200. What do you mean it doesn't? Is that my problem now? Make it fit, you statistical aberration. 

Now, here's my expert advice which I won't charge you for: if you'd only work harder instead of complaining, you'd make something of yourselves, you useless rabble. Is it my fault you lack the talent to become an economic planner or Marcos loyalist or information undersecretary? I bet you can't even spell "depreciation."

Finally, last tip, don't get sick. It's against the law. You think I'm joking? We're about to get congress to pass a law making it illegal to get sick. 

Now before you go, I'd just like to tell you one thing.

You owe me P125 for the spaghetti meal.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.