OPINION/SATIRE: The war against Canada

Alan Robles -- Hot Manila

Posted at May 03 2019 01:25 AM

President Rodrigo Duterte said he’s so enraged by Canada’s slowness in taking back its garbage that he’ll declare war. If he actually does that, how would a conflict between the 2 countries play out?

We have come up with the following stirring and exciting “what if” scenario, constructed by analyzing the comparative balance of forces, weaponry, economic strength, number of curse words and size of fake account troll armies.

You don’t buy our scenario? How about you buy something else? Can we interest you in a nice “ouster plot matrix”? We’ll draw up a diagram to suit the list of enemies of your choice. It’s very salable with crony publishers right now.

Anyway, going back to our scenario, let’s walk step-by-step through the hypothetical development of a theoretical war between the Philippines and Canada.

We think it’s going to be bloody and violent.

1. The Philippines declares war on Canada.

2. Canada responds with “war, eh?”

3. The Philippine president immediately launches a surprise attack consisting of foul curses, obscenities, and harsh language.

4. Deeply affected, Canada goes “eh.”

5. The Philippines deploys its aircraft carrier.

6. The Philippines discovers it does not have an aircraft carrier.

7. A congressional committee is formed to study why the country does not have an aircraft carrier.

8. The committee immediately blames the Dengvaxia vaccine.

9. Another committee studies how the Philippines can acquire an aircraft carrier.

10. A subcommittee determines the project will acquire a budgetary allocation of P100 billion and numerous study trips to Europe.

11. Philippine president takes a nap.

12. Canada responds vigorously by watching TV.

13. President wakes up and orders an immediate launch of hyper super deadly ballistic missiles.

14. The military tells the President, er, um, sir, the hyper super deadly ballistic missiles are currently being ordered from the Tulfos. President goes back to sleep.

15. Congressional study concludes the Philippines can easily produce an aircraft carrier task force, it should be ready in about 250 years.

16. Of course, the study adds, during that time Canada could have gotten tired of waiting and moved somewhere else.

17. As an emergency war-winning strategy, the Presidential Communications Operations Office (PCOO) orders the official TV station to produce a show where the Philippines beats Canada.

18. Unfortunately the strategy backfires when PCOO misspells “Canada” as “Norwegia.”

19. Canada shows signs of restlessness. And boredom.

20. Philippine government officials propose instant action and retaliation by sending Philippine garbage in a container to Canada.

21. Unfortunately, the scheme breaks down when PCOO staffers refuse to climb inside the container.

22. Marcoses offer their father’s famed and beloved anti-typhoon missiles for the low low price of $10 billion.

23. An exasperated president orders an invasion of Canada.

24. Philippine military says its soldiers can’t mount an invasion as they are too busy surrendering islands to China.

25. Any further invasion plans are put on hold when congressmen and their families announce they are taking junket vacations in Canada.

26. A crony newspaper proclaims total victory based on a document obtained from a reliable source in the Palace.

27. President declares victory.

28. Supreme Court upholds president’s declaration.

29. Congress allots P600 billion for victory celebrations, to be conducted by congressmen and their families.

30. Canada goes “eh.”

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.