OPINION: Enroll Now at Moka Pek News Akademi

Alan Robles

Posted at Apr 21 2017 07:43 PM

Are you: A fan of Duterte and Marcos? Sick of reading news from the big media companies? Angry at the mainstream press?

Do you feel news is spiked with those highly unhealthy dangerous substances, truth and facts?

Want to do something about it? Because you can become YOUR OWN JOURNALIST and WRITE THE NEWS YOU WANT TO READ!

Enroll now at the Moka Pek News Facebook Academi, the only training school for trolls that is recognized by the Duterte Administration. Just look at our endorsers! Martin Andollar has accredited it (via his credit card) and it's supported by CHED - Crazy Horrors Embracing Duterte.

We offer a complete syllabus that will have you up and running in no time at all as a trollnalist. Just look at some of the exciting courses we have lined up for students:

  • Basik trol ispeling and gramers (prerequisite)
  • How to spell HAHA and LOL (prerequisite)
  • Logic and facts - dey be evil who needs dem! (basic course)
  • How to write bugok, bobo, etc one billion times (basic course)
  • Money, where's my gas money? (basic course)
  • Gas money: a little or a lot? (advanced course)
  • The Myth of EJK
  • Memes as news stories
  • How to blame oligarchs, drug adiks, drug lords, LP, dilawan and bayaran press
  • Advanced conspiracy: the danger of a free press and foreign media
  • Da President is always right
  • All Hail Duterte our Sex Idol

Listen to lectures by such academic luminaries as Professor Bokal von Kopya, who will teach copy editing (first copy, then edit); and Prof Krazy Krizet, A.B. (Always Bwizet). Our faculty will train you on writing crime stories ("it's the fault of the dilawan"), business reports ("it's the fault of the dilawan"), and natural disaster news ("it's the fault of the dilawan").

You will learn how to rapidly churn out reports using our patented "no-facts no-grammar no-structure press the share button" technique. The Moka Pek News Akademi will teach you how to strip those disturbing, unpleasant truths from news reports. Do away with interviews, research, fact checking and verification - all those things that get in the way of writing truly great troll news.

Learn how to answer such crucial reportage questions as "should I get the pesos before or after I write?" (Neither. You should always ask for dollars).

Graduates will be able to work at such prestigious media groups as: The Stinking Pinoy News Network, Tokhang News Service, New Orc Times, and the Fentanyl News Service. You'll feel like you're a real journalist without actually having to work like one. And you'll be able to pretend you understand how media works. Before you know it you will be the talk of the town! Or your living room! Or your cave!

You could become an assistant secretary and receive the administration's new medal: one Order of Lapu Lapu. Steamed or fried.

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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.