OPINION: The Obosen Chronicles

Alan Robles

Posted at Mar 09 2017 11:16 PM

In a coming US TV show episode, a fictitious American state secretary punches a fictitious Philippine president. Our government is angry about it. But why? Everyone can clearly see that it's fiction. If it were realistic, the scene would end with the Philippine president shooting the state secretary.

Anyway, the incident points to a crying need for one thing: a TV series that actually, honestly shows how this administration works. 
As it so happens and by an amazing coincidence - yo Martin, where's the one thousand bucks? - we happen to have a script treatment right here! So without further ado, let's watch:


It's morning in the Tokhang Republic and in a certain Palace, President Obosen is about to start his day...

Aide: President Obosen, tang***mo! I have news for you!

Obosen: What did you just say?

Aide: Well, didn't you tell us to be informal and frank and that gutter language is fine with you? Tang***mo!!

O: That's right. But you should have let me call you that first, you sonofabitch. 

(shoots aide)

Aide: Arggh. 

O: Tang*** that's the fourth one this week. (goes to intercom) Send me another aide, and get this body out of here. 

(another aide comes in)

New Aide: You want this body wrapped in tape?

O: Yes and get me a fresh clip. Now, Joe what's on our agenda?

Jose Lizardino, political adviser: The war on drugs is going well! Last night 30 people were shot dead. They include 20 kids, five babies and four mistaken identities. 

O: You mean there was only one actual suspect?

L: Yes sir. 

O: I accept that collateral damage. Good job!

L: And also one tree was shot. 

O: A tree?

L: It was resisting arrest.

O: How?

L: It wouldn't follow instructions to drop to the ground. 

O: Aha!

L: And after it was shot, the police recovered three sachets of shabu and a gun beside it. 

O: Case closed. Just don't tell Gina. 

L: Er, sir, your senior education consultant is unhappy about it. 

O: Why?

L: Apparently, the tree was his favorite student and only fan. 

O: Just give the old fool a medal to shut him up. 

L: Done. 

O: Gawd I hate drugs! What's next on the agenda?

L: We've finished making the official schedule of conspiracies against you sir. 

O: Let's hear it. 

L: This month, millions of students will graduate. 

O: Yes?

L: Many of them won't find jobs. It's clearly a conspiracy by the oligarchs. 

O: The fault of the dilawan! Curse them!

L: Also, Mocha Uson will get kicked out of Twitter again. This is a plot to overthrow your government. 

O: Find the plotters! They're addicts! Drug lords!

L: And over the next year, people will criticize you for murders and corruption and patronage. This is a big conspiracy. 

O: Terrorists! I'll fire rockets at them! I'll declare Martial Law!

L: Next, your schedule of appointments today. You're supposed to see the US state secretary...

O: Tell him to go to hell! I bow to nobody!

L: Marcos Junior and the Chinese ambassador are waiting outside to see which one you'll be the driver for. 

O: Oh no! Quick! Which one do I go out with, oh dear. I need fentanyl!

Will true love find its course? Find out in the next exciting episode of Obosen Chronicles

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.