OPINION: If Facebook were a giant cruise ship

Alan Robles - Hot Manila

Posted at Jan 07 2017 01:28 AM

Captain: Ahoy everybody, this is Captain Clueless speaking! Welcome aboard SS Facebook, the world's largest social media cruise ship, currently carrying millions of passengers and constantly picking up even more. Your comfort and safety are our first concern...

First Officer: Captain!

Captain: What is it?

First Officer: A passenger is complaining she's being sexually harassed by some other passengers!

Captain: I'll take care of this. Attention all crew, this is the captain: a passenger has complained she is being sexually harassed. Please find her.

Crewman on intercom: Sir!

Captain: Have you found her?

Crewman: Yes sir!

Captain: Right, throw her overboard

Crewman: Aye aye sir!

Faint sound of scream and splash

Captain: Problem solved. We on SS Facebook want you to know that we have clear policies when it comes to harassment, let me just take this opportunity to read out the comprehensive list of steps we are prepared to take:

1. Nothing

2. Nothing

3. Nothing

4. Nothing

and furthermore...

5. Nothing

First Officer: Sir according to our reports we now have nearly two billion passengers

Captain: That's great

First Officer: ...of which about one billion are probably bogus

Captain: Well done

First Officer: Sir many passengers are complaining that they're seeing too much fake news, vicious attacks and pictures of fecal matter

Captain: You know what to do. Find out who are complaining at once...

First Officer: Yes sir

Captain: ...lock them up in their cabins so nobody can see or hear them

First Officer: Aye aye sir!

First Officer: Sir! People are saying we're taking on too many trolls!

Captain: That's because we passed by Davao. Nothing to worry about

First Officer: Captain! We have troll infestations throughout the ship! Hate levels on decks 1 to 10,000 are off the charts

Captain: Hate? I don't see hate. What hate?

First officer: We're being overrun by gibbering goons and trolls!

Captain: That's impossible! SS Facebook is one big happy ship! No community standards are being violated! Wait,...who the heck are you? How did you get here?

Troll: Jabber jabber drool

Captain: Who let you into the bridge? What are you doing, get your hands off me...ARGHHH

Voice on the comm: This is Mark the ship owner calling from my golden penthouse in the sky. Where is the captain?

Troll: We ate him

Mark: Who is this?

Troll: Dis be Captain Tokhang Obosen

Mark: Now listen to me: is the ship full of passengers? Am I still making money?

Troll: Jabber jabber

Mark: Yes? Cool, you are now the new captain. Listen carefully: there's no such thing as fake news, got it?

Captain Obosen: Jabber jabber

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.