News

OPINION: Curing your sick democracy

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Jul 21 07:35 PM

Dear Philippine democracy, have you been feeling listless and sleepy? Are you sick and tired of human rights? Do freedom and liberty give you migraine? When you hear the words "writ of habeas corpus," do you suffer vertigo and nosebleed? Read more »

OPINION/SATIRE: ASEAN for everyone

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Updated as of May 20 11:42 AM

Why are nasty critics saying President Duterte accomplished nothing during his trips to Hong Kong, China and Cambodia? It is simply not true. Let's look at his concrete achievements: Read more »

OPINION/SATIRE: The discarded statement

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at May 12 10:06 PM

Soon after President Duterte appointed Senator Alan Cayetano foreign affairs secretary, the foreign office (DFA) issued this statement: Read more »

OPINION: Preparing for the UN review

Alan Robles
Updated as of May 06 02:38 AM

Facing a United Nations Human Rights Council periodic review, the Duterte administration is sending a special delegation to Geneva. The elite team will properly address the issue by taking down the names of UN officials, putting them on lists and warning them they might be visited by members of the Philippine National Police riding tandem bikes. Just kidding. Read more »

OPINION: Visitor's Guide to Duterte's Glorious Philippines

Alan Robles
Posted at Apr 28 03:23 PM

To all our guests and visitors to the Asean summit, mabuhay! Welcome to Manila! Many of you are surely curious to know how our country is coming along under the new administration. For your convenience we have printed the following short pamphlet which we hope will address your main questions.  Read more »

OPINION: Enroll Now at Moka Pek News Akademi

Alan Robles
Posted at Apr 21 07:43 PM

We offer a complete syllabus that will have you up and running in no time at all as a trollnalist. Just look at some of the exciting courses we have lined up for students. Read more »

OPINION: Favorite yoga positions of the Duterte administration

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Apr 11 03:38 AM

Weeks ago, the ever reliable Stinking Pinoy News Network (SPNN) dropped a bombshell: a photo of the vice president DOING YOGA WITH A TRAINER RIGHT IN HER OFFICE. SPNN implied she used public funds for private lessons. Read more »

OPINION: Should the Vice President be impeached?

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Updated as of Apr 08 04:50 AM

Thousands of Filipinos have been savagely killed in eight months, and the murders haven't stopped. Read more »

OPINION: Instant Duterte Speech

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Apr 05 03:41 PM

We have good news for you: thanks to the handy dandy INSTANT DUTERTE SPEECHMAKER, you, too, can now compose your very own populist speech! There's nothing to it, simply read the text below, select the words (obscene gestures and spittle not included) suited to the occasion and voila - you'll sound just like our glorious leader! Read more »

OPINION: What the PNP needs to do

Alan Robles
Posted at Mar 31 05:58 PM

Things don't look good for the PNP. Morale is low, discipline is shaky. Drastic measures seem to be called for. Can anything be done? Read more »

OPINION: An officially approved bus tour of Manila

Alan Robles
Posted at Mar 28 01:17 PM

Mabuhay, everyone! Welcome aboard our bus for our special new tour of our WONDERFUL city of Manila. I'm your guide, Derma Dementa of MyLabs Tours, and I'm HAPPY to show you around my FABULOUS city. You've probably heard all those nasty fake reports about murders and killings and whatnot -- THEY ARE LIES! LIES! ALL LIES! Read more »

OPINION: China willing to share Philippines with Filipinos

Alan Robles
Posted at Mar 20 04:18 PM

China is more than willing to share the Philippines with Filipinos, Beijing said yesterday. Read more »

OPINION: Saving the crook industry

Alan Robles
Posted at Mar 17 07:28 PM

That's right: the quality of our crooks is deteriorating. Read more »

OPINION: The Obosen Chronicles

Alan Robles
Posted at Mar 09 11:16 PM

In a coming US TV show episode, a fictitious American state secretary punches a fictitious Philippine president. Our government is angry about it. But why? Everyone can clearly see that it's fiction. If it were realistic, the scene would end with the Philippine president shooting the state secretary. Read more »

OPINION: If Facebook were a giant cruise ship

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Jan 07 01:28 AM

Ahoy everybody, this is Captain Clueless speaking! Welcome aboard SS Facebook, the world's largest social media cruise ship, currently carrying millions of passengers and constantly picking up even more. Read more »

OPINION: New Year's Resolutions From The Palace

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Dec 30 05:04 PM

A lavandera with strange powers was walking past one of Malacañang Palace's gates when she was run down by a speeding backhoe. Brought to the hospital, she woke up after a few hours and started writing down the following New Year's resolutions, claiming she had received them from a "mysterious source". Read more »

OPINION: Test yourself: Are you qualified to be buried in Libingan Ng Mga Bayani?

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Dec 02 08:02 PM

Contrary to what critics say, the Duterte administration didn't arbitrarily decide to bury Ferdinand Marcos in the Heroes' Cemetery, Libingan ng Mga Bayani. Read more »

OPINION: Introducing: the Marcos Apologist Starter Pack

Alan Robles - Hot Manila
Posted at Nov 29 02:10 PM

Congratulations on buying your very own Marcos Apologist Starter Pack™! You have in your hands everything you need to become a Marcos Trolloyalist™. Read more »

OPINION: Secrets of Marcos' Tomb

Alan Robles
Posted at Nov 24 11:08 PM

Some say it's a simple soldier's grave, others say it holds deep dark secrets. Tonight on "Ancient Mysteries", we investigate the truth behind one of the world's monuments to douchebaggery - the Marcos tomb. Read more »

OPINION: Marcos burial lacked military grandeur, complains renegade loyalist

Alan Robles
Posted at Nov 21 07:52 PM

Last week's quick and secretive burial of Ferdinand Marcos at the Heroes' Cemetery was a "bangkay blitz" that lacked "military grandeur," a loyalist military renegade denounced. Read more »