OPINION: New Year's Resolutions From The Palace

Alan Robles - Hot Manila

Posted at Dec 30 2016 05:04 PM

A lavandera with strange powers was walking past one of Malacañang Palace's gates when she was run down by a speeding backhoe. Brought to the hospital, she woke up after a few hours and started writing down the following New Year's resolutions, claiming she had received them from a "mysterious source":

  1. Crush the drug problem
  2. Change the Constitution
  3. Stop swearing
  4. God damn it, I'm serious
  5. Calm down
  6. Kiss a Marcos - Imee, Bongbong or Imelda?
  7. Before kissing a Marcos, take fentanyl
  8. Crush crime
  9. Stop lying
  10. Declare Martial Law
  11. Crush smuggling
  12. Stop talking about fentanyl
  13. KEEL THEM ALL OBOSEN
  14. Buy a jet ski
  15. End corruption
  16. Cut down on fentanyl
  17. Stop lying
  18. Wait, didn't I already promise to stop lying?
  19. Who cares
  20. Visit China regularly
  21. Look up what "kowtow" means
  22. Go on double date with Vlad. Movies then karaoke bar?
  23. Stop shooting people dead
  24. I'm lying
  25. No I'm not
  26. Stop throwing people out of helicopters
  27. I'm lying
  28. Wait, what am I lying about now? Anyway, STOP LYING. S-T-O-P I-T
  29. Stop throwing people out of helicopters because the last time I did it, I accidentally threw out the pilot. Thankfully, I survived the crash
  30. Tell communications staff to stop eating so much
  31. Recommend fentanyl to communications staff
  32. I'm lying
  33. STOP IT
  34. Bury Marcos
  35. I already did? OK
  36. Declare Bongbong Marcos vice president
  37. Bury Bongbong Marcos
  38. Hups, mistake! Can I claim collateral damage?
  39. Break up with the United States
  40. Buy more packing tape
  41. Curse Obama
  42. Feed the trolls
  43. Feed the trolls fentanyl, to help improve their fake stories
  44. Give free education to students
  45. Shoot students
  46. I'm lying
  47. Ban De Lima firecracker
  48. DESTROY DE LIMA
  49. Step down from office
  50. I'm lying

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