OPINION: Test yourself: Are you qualified to be buried in Libingan Ng Mga Bayani?

Alan Robles - Hot Manila

Posted at Dec 02 2016 08:02 PM

Contrary to what critics say, the Duterte administration didn't arbitrarily decide to bury Ferdinand Marcos in the Heroes' Cemetery, Libingan ng Mga Bayani. No, it consulted expert scholars to see if the former dictator's corpse was worthy of interment in the LMB.

The experts used a test specially designed by members of The Official Gazette, called the Test for Interring The Marcos Officer (TITIMO). You can take it yourself and see if YOU qualify to be buried in the heroes cemetery.

1. NAME
a. Real
b. Alias
c. As seen in illegal Swiss accounts

2. TITLE (check as many as apply)
a. President
b. Dictator
c. Douchebag

3. CURRENT STATUS
a. Alive
b. Decomposing
c. Hiding from angry citizens

4. ARE YOU REALLY DEAD?
a. Yes
b. Yes
c. Most of the time

5. IF YOU'RE DEAD, THEN WHO IS ANSWERING THIS FORM?
a. William Saunders
b. Jane Ryan
c. Secret

6. ARE YOU LYING?
a. No
b. Of course not
c. Do I look like a liar to you?

7. MILITARY RECORD
a. Veteran
b. Fake
c. Who cares? Aren't we paying you enough?

8. WHY SHOULD YOU BE BURIED IN THE LMB?
a. Bought war medals
b. Faked war record
c. Paid for it (shhh)

9. DOES YOUR FAKE RECORD HAVE SUPPORT FROM ANY FAKE HISTORIANS?
a. Yes
b. Lots
c. Extremely low budget ones

10. DO THE FAKE HISTORIANS HAVE ANY OF THE FOLLOWING FUNNY NAMES?
a. Flippityflop
b. Mrs Riah
c. Toto Bee

11. ARE THEY REALLY JUST ONE STUPID BALD GUY?
a. Yes
b. Yes
c. Damn how'd you find out?

12. DID YOU COMMIT ANY CRIMES?
a. Yes
b. Sure
c. So what

13. REALLY BAD CRIMES? LIKE LYING AND STEALING AND STUFF LIKE THAT?
a. Yeah
b. Kinda
c. Look, how long do I have to keep answering this?

14. DESCRIBE THE POPULAR ATTITUDE TO YOU
a. Hated
b. Detested
c. Loved by millions of fake accounts

15. ANY LOOT TO DECLARE?
a. Yes
b. No
c. I'm sure we can come to some arrangement wink wink

16. DESCRIBE THE BURIAL PLOT YOU WANT
a. Simple grave
b. Elaborate tomb
c. Duplex with mod cons and removable sun roof

17. WILLING TO BE AIRDROPPED IN GRAVE?
a. Yes
b. Hell yes
c. Bombs away

PROCEDURE FOR RATING THE TEST: Fill up this form then roll the paper into a ball, throw into the trashcan and wait for the President to tell you what to do.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.