Congratulations on buying your very own Marcos Apologist Starter Pack™! You have in your hands everything you need to become a Marcos Trolloyalist™.
You know, not everybody wants to be a Marcos loyalist. Intelligent people, those who went to school - they don't want to be loyalists. Bah! Who cares? YOU are different. MARCOS PA RIN!
Let's take a short moment to review the AMAZING things you can look forward to as a Marcost loyalist:
First, you can get a topnotch college degree. We'll teach you which shop in Recto prints the best fake diploma. As a buyer of this starter pack you'll get a discount!
Second, your face will get so thick and your head so hard that if you want, you will be able to use it for breaking jewelry displays in malls. No need to bring hammers!
Third, you will master the Facebook technique developed by the famous Troll Purol, which will let you create a THOUSAND identities, none of them with any personality.
Fourth, you will be capable of ASTOUNDING feats. For example, did you know the high-level apologist Flippityflop has superpowers? Yes! He is faster than a tall building, dirtier than a locomotive, and is able to leap spent bullets at a single bound.
Excited already? Let's get started. The key to becoming a Marcos trolloyalist is concentration. Here are the steps.
1. Breathe deeply
2. Empty your mind.
Many beginners find no. 2 difficult. Here is a favorite trick: stare at a picture of Imelda Marcos. After a few hours your mind will be empty. WARNING: staring too long might make you unconscious.
When your mind is empty, that's when you start doing research. This consists of watching YouTube videos and looking at memes made by other trolloyalists. Avoid books, documents, human rights reports, victims' stories. These are all BIAS. Keep mumbling the following slogans:
1. Move on na
2. 13th month pay
5. Tallano gold, Yamashita treasure, and Golden Buddha
6. Hacienda Luisita
7. Mendiola Massacre
9. No cases proven
When watching TV, you might accidentally come upon reports that might make you start to believe that the Marcoses are killers, torturers, plunderers and liars. This is called "developing a conscience" and must be stopped at once. When this happens, keep shouting "BIAS! BIAS!" to empty your mind. You can also shout "COMMUNIST! PULA!"
Remember, it is ABSOLUTELY important to ALWAYS KEEP YOUR MIND EMPTY. If something gets in to your empty mind, you might suffer agonizing pain.
Always keep a list of at least one hundred projects you can credit to Marcos. Don't forget to include the septic tank in your house.
What's that? You don't know how to count to one hundred? We've got that covered! Just send P500 to Bongbong Marcos. He won't actually do anything for you, but he'll always take your money.
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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.