Hooligan Response Chart

Hot Manila - Alan Robles

Posted at Nov 28 2014 05:06 PM | Updated as of Dec 05 2014 08:41 AM

MANILA - This week the son of the decomposing, slowly melting, half-jellied ex-dictator Ferdinand Marcos visited the University of the Philippines in Diliman campus to give a talk.

Of course, as a member of a family that plundered the country, stealing at least US$10 billion, and whose patriarch tortured and killed thousands, jailed thousands more, and ruined democratic institutions -- you can be sure he got the reception he deserved.
Namely: nothing.

Wait, you ask, surely a character like Marcos junior would at least prompt a modest activist turnout, a few hooligans to shout, wave placards and throw stuff? Didn't radicals, years back, actually take over the UP campus for a week and cock their noses at the forces of Marcos senior?

Well apparently things are different now and the new activist policy towards the Marcoses is: cricket sounds.

To try to clear things up we reached out to sources, who referred us to the Hooligan Information Bureau, who directed us to the PO Directorate for Hooligan Indoctrination, who pointed us to the People's Hooligan Comrades Brigades Deployment Front, who diverted us to the Hooligan Candidates United and Holding Hands with Trapo Senatorial Candidates.

Eventually, after paying People's Taxes we managed to get hold of a memo addressed to "My Pets" and coming from someone named Commissar Hooligan. The memo lucidly and scientifically explains, in a step by step format, the guidelines for deploying hooligans, based on the nature of the visitor.

1. Visitor is a human rights abuser.
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?

a. if Yes go to 7
b. If No go to 2

2. Visitor is a liar and plunderer who believes in cosmic holes in the sky
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?

a. If Yes go to 7.
b. If No go to 3

3. Visitor represents a regime that killed, tortured and looted indiscriminately
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?

a. If Yes go to 7,
b. if No go to 4

4. Visitor is a Maserati driver who beat up a traffic aide then fled the scene
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?

a. If Yes go to 7
b. If No go to 5

5. Visitor is an unrepentant member of a family that illegally ruled, murdered, tortured and looted wantonly for 14 years
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?
a. If Yes go to 7
b. If No go to 6

6. Visitor helped drive backhoe over dead journalists
Is visitor bald, short and named Abad?
a. If Yes go to 7
b. If No go to sleep. Zzzz. Cricket sounds are optional and will depend on whether the directorate will provide the appropriate scientific cricket sounds

7. COMMENCE HOOLIGAN ATTACK MODE. Scream. Foam. Throw cardboard placards, throw coins. Grab that collar. Drag. Bite. Tear. Rend. Remember the People's Struggle.

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