Since the Senate hearing on fake news, blogging and journalism, we've received tens of thousands of requests for our expert media opinion about what happened.
All right, actually, we haven't gotten any requests at all, we just made that up.
But that's OK, we're merely exercising free speech. It's one of the things we learned from the hearing - which, by the way, we totally didn't watch. But again, that's OK, because we are entitled to our personal opinion.
Anyway, we will now answer your questions on the matter. You don't have any questions? No problem, we made them up. You're welcome.
1. Why do you use "we" to refer to yourself?
It's the "editorial we." We're a journalist.
2. Based on that Senate hearing, what's the difference between journalists and bloggers?
Journalists cover actual events, interview sources, try to get accurate quotes, attribute them correctly, and write to a deadline following professional standards
3. And bloggers?
They sit at home, eating cheese balls, and make things up.
4. Is that it?
Sometimes they have to wipe their hands on their shirts.
5. That sounds easy!
It can be hard work.
The cheese balls leave stains and then the bloggers have to get up and wash their shirt. We don't think this happens often, though.
7. Let's cut to the chase. Which is it better to be, a journalist or a blogger?
It depends. Do you want to work that will pay you lots of money, that will be appreciated by society, your family, friends and pets?
8. Of course!
Then don't be a journalist.
9. You mean I should be a blogger?
Don't be that either.
10. What job should I take?
Something in fisheries, or interior design.
11. But I want to get into media: I want a high-paying job where I get to travel around the world first-class for free while pompously ordering people around and doing nothing much myself.
You mean you want to be a publisher.
12. Junketing journalists Batman! How do I get to be one of those?
Unfortunately, we know for a fact that job demands a lifetime of skilled professional dedication.
13. To practicing journalism?
To sucking up to the company owner.
14. Argh. I'm in a hurry. I want media junkets. Perks! A per diem of US$500 per day!
We suggest you try writing fake news for the government
15. But if I write vicious fake news, wouldn't I be lying?
Never call it that. Call it "free speech".
16. If I get into fake news, could I - from being a total nobody - zoom to the top?
Sure. Just look at the people who showed up at the Senate. You could even snag a nice position.
17. Like what?
You could become a Special Consultant to the Undersecretary of Migrants - SCUM
Or, who knows, you could become an appointitute with the position of asec
19. What's an asec?
We're not sure, we think it's a sec who's an ass.
20. OK got it. I'm setting up a political blog!
You could title it "A Bobo Chronicle"
21. Isn't that libelous?
Just say it's satire.
22. Will they believe that?
Sure. We recommend you claim it's your opinion and then refuse to say anything more on the grounds it might inseminate you.
23. Wow, thanks for all the useful fake advice you gave in response to these patently fake questions you made up!
You're welcome. You can count on our guarantee: if you get into trouble because you followed our advice - we never heard of you.
Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.