If candidates were action figures

Alan Robles

Posted at Sep 18 2015 06:15 PM | Updated as of Sep 19 2015 02:16 AM

With the list of presidential candidates for next year's election taking shape, it's time to ask the REALLY serious question: If the candidates were action figures, which one would you collect?

Let's look at the line-up so far

G.I. Poe - America's number one commando is a cool and calculating heroine who can spot the opportunity to make her move. A charismatic figure skilled in the art of looking sincere and speaking with a level voice, G.I. Poe has a range of equipment and a commitment to do whatever it takes, even up to disavowing her loyalty to Uncle Sam. To help her, she can count on the Poes, a tough team of assorted dictator cronies, trapos and the occasional trapo who is a convicted child rapist

Accessories:
* Particle-charged invisibility cloak allows G.I. Poe to vanish during certain senate hearings on corruption.
* Quick-change disguise kit lets her alter citizenship status in a flash, bewildering opponents
* Stealth-glide parachute, cunningly disguised as a giant green card, that G.I. Poe uses to swoop down and surprise everyone

Please note: this is an action figure, not a toy. Though it might be a puppet.

Mojo Jojo - The crafty mastermind won't just terrorize your city, he'll yank it out from under you, fill it with overpriced buildings and then convince you that you're a happy inhabitant. Or else. In his bid for ultimate power, Mojo Jojo relies on his keen mind. Of course, it doesn't hurt that he has billions, as well as the help of the Jojo Family and his gang of obliging business associates plus the odd Boy Scout. He plots his nefarious schemes from within his sprawling hacienda (subject to availability), which is more stately than Wayne Manor, although probably not as legal. Mojo Jojo often goes into rages over the bumbling incompetence of his spokesmen.

Accessories:
* large bags of holding for good boys
* miniature birthday cakes that transform into cash
* AI units to snap into elevators
Owners are advised to watch the action figure closely as it might wander off and start campaigning prematurely.

Mister What's His Face - The wannabe hero has the unique ability to turn any occasion into an utterly boring event, putting people to sleep before they know what's happened. Mister What's His Face continually looks at his watch, muttering "oras na" but keeps forgetting what it's time for. He is particularly skilled in moving through crowds without leaving a trace or an impression. "Who was that?", the people are left asking each other.

Accessories:
* Dragon Spouse - you probably do not want to get this accessory

Owners should be aware that they might not realize they actually bought this figure as it doesn't stick to memory

Ferdie Mini-Me - Aka Baby Marcos, is a wee version of his dear old decaying douchebag dictator dad. Though nowhere near as smart or cunning as senior, Baby has his own special traits, for instance incredibly thick skin that enables him to assert claims without any basis in facts. He draws his abilities from the power emitted by certain substances buried deep in vaults in Europe. The substances are called "illegal accounts."

Accessories:
* fake Oxford degree
* pile of skulls and stolen dollars
* pet fat crocodile. Or it could be his mom. Hard to say
* mind control laser for turning the slow-witted members of the country into loyalist zombies

Owners might be tempted to fling the figure in the toilet bowl. We wouldn't blame them.


The Terminator Series DU-30 - Got a problem? The DU-30 will shoot it. No more problem. Crime? The Terminator will shoot it. Corruption? Hasta la vista. Poverty? Bang goes the Terminator. The Series DU-30 is just what the doctor ordered, assuming the doctor is a raving psychopath

Accessories:
* one set of mailed fists
* 3 million rounds of ammunition

Caution: Action figure, which has an authentic burying action, might force you to eat your cigarette butts

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