Le Seduksyon, l’amour et le sex

by Teddy Locsin, Jr.

Posted at Sep 12 2013 02:52 AM | Updated as of Sep 12 2013 10:52 AM

Huffing Post Women reports that French author Sophie Fontanel revealed in a book that she went 12 years without sex, which the New York Times reviewed as "very French." To be sure, she is French. But in what respect is it French, in the sleeping alone; in the making enough of a fuss about sleeping alone to write a book about it. The book is called "The Art of Sleeping Alone."

The thing with women of any nationality, I say, is that they find original insights in what is a very common experience of men who keep the same condom in their wallets until it has disintegrated when they are lucky enough to have a reason to open it.

In a post for Slate, Hanna Rosin said, unlike an American book which would end in a feminist assertion of standing alone against the male world, this one ends with a sexual submission to a mystery man asking what Rosin describes as the “intriguing, loaded question: What would happen if we fell in love.”

The answer anywhere but in France would be, at least in my experience is:” You will never know because it won’t happen to me—with you.”

Sexologist Philippe Brenot wrote in 300 page report sure to dampen anyone’s desire for its subject called Les femme, Le sex, et L’amour, that 74% of French women had fun in bed but only 16% climaxed. Mehbeh, it is all about zee zhornay and not the destinay. I had 24-hours of French so I could follow a girl to her French class but it came to nothing.

But zee zhornay or the journey, to you peasants, is precisely why we do it. It is the getting there that is most fun but eventually you need to come to a stop if only from sheer exhaustion and it is best if that fun too though brief. Imagine if it ended in screaming agony, which happens if you have STD but I leave that to a movie star and Las Piñas mayor to explain.

No comparable survey was done of men who frequently have no one else in bed to have fun with.

Ninety percent of French women over 50 had plenty of sex, said another study. compared with just 60% of American women of the same age which shows that women over 50 enjoy sex as much as women in their 20s—if they can get any which apparently the French women do. Now there’s a challenge for women elsewhere but only if the men elsewhere are worth a woman’s trouble to make herself seductive like going on a diet and always dressing stylishly like French women do because nothing is sexier than disrobing before a man who is torn between wanting you to keep a smashingly beautiful dress on and taking it off.

In her book, "Le Seducsyon: How zee Franche Pley zee Gam of Live," Elaine Sciolino, who may be the leading expert on the philosophy of torture, writes that seduction—I suppose as opposed to fornication—is crucial in Franhs, not to mention in the United States Attorney General’s office because without it, the charge is rape. Indeed, le seduksyon is crucial anywhere and everywhere, except the Congo, before le furnicahtoor or you will need a lubricant.

But the French, says Elaine, mean something else by le seduksyon. It more like a conversation of smell (sniffing?) or a (presumably one-sided) conversation of looking which could get the bouncer coming over to your table or of speech which usually ends up with “get lost.”

Yet also it could be, says Elaine, a conversation beteween two diplomats; ah yes, le talk between the Englishman Sykes and the Frenchman Picot ended up with the Arabs getting screwed if you watched Lawrence of Arabia.

John, not zhan, but John Ganyon and Alan Zyami (as usual spelled as pronounced) found that French have sex more often with the same spouse or partner for longer period of their lives if not unto death because zee Franche are marathoners while zee Americains are sprinters—if they can get any. (From my experience that is not true. Great Americans, like Caspar Weinberger, even resign from powerful jobs in Washington to spend their old ailing wives’ last years with them rather than waste any time running the most powerful military establishment on the planet in the history of the same. I read the letter he sent Cory Aquino at the height of the crucial US bases renegotiations expressing mild regret that he could not participate in the negotiations because he wanted to spend more time with his wife.

Now Filipinos are neither marathoners nor sprinters; they are basketball players— here, there, everywhere on the court—trying to get their ball in the basket, any basket with a halfway pretty face and nice body.

The French however are more likely to couple up without the benefit of clergy which saves a ton in alimony though oddly they need not fear the financial penalties of divorce because they stay together longer if not for good.

Elaine recalls something the French singer Arielle Dombasle said, “Never walk nude in front of your lover.” Especially if you are fat or just gave birth, then he will see your stretch marks. This is why the men walk around the hotel room tightly wrapped in towel robes so you won’t see the stretch marks on their old butts. But Elaine is incorrigible. She says it is to do with the arousing ritual of dressing and undressing, the intriguing, let me say, how shall I call it, ah yes, the intriguing intrigue of hiding and revelasyon which motivates the guy with the raincoat in the park.

Finally, a 2008 study shows that it is okay for the woman to make the first move which will save the man a lot of rejection and costs the woman nothing because if he so much as hesitates, she can wear nothing under her trench coat and part her legs momentarily thereby triggering an intense regret with which she should leave him by picking up her bag and leaving him with the bar bill.

To sum up, as no one else seems able to do, you can make an art of necessity as Fontanel has done with her 12 years of solitude. The bane of singleness is loneliness but its solution is marriage; and the solution to that is divorce which is expensive and a ton of trouble besides.

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.