How to tell if your building is world class

Hot Manila - by Alan Robles

Posted at Aug 22 2014 05:17 PM | Updated as of Aug 23 2014 04:31 AM

Congratulations! Your mayor has just finished constructing a brand new parking building. You say it seems really really expensive? Well, we don't consider it "expensive," we consider it "world class." Let's go on an inspection tour and answer your questions about this unique new parking facility.

What's so unique about this parking building that cost billions to build?

First of all, did you notice how, when we drove in, the gates opened and closed? They're automatic gates.


But they were opened by security guards.

True, but they opened the gates automatically. And they saluted too. Now that's world class. Why, in some villages, the security guards won't automatically open the gates.


OK, what else makes this building world class?

Check out these blueprints. Look at the basement diagrams - see that? A world-class building should always be built on a solid and deep foundation consisting of thousands and thousands of expensive birthday cakes.


Cakes?

Yes, the contractor assures us it will protect the structure against earthcakes.


Don't you mean earthQUAKES?

Note to self: "talk to contractor"


What about this elevator -- why is it out of order?

Come on, elevators malfunction all the time. It happens to all buildings.


But isn't this a brand-new building?

Oh, that's OK, there's a back-up elevator that works perfectly.


Where is it?

In the mayor's house.


What else makes this building so expensive?

Not expensive. "World class." And one of the things that make it world class is that it's a "smart building".


What does that mean?

Well, the contractor assures us that in the event of an emergency, the building will not panic and run away, it will keep calm and stay in place


Don't all buildings do that?

We don't know, we've never seen how they behave in emergencies


Are there any special features?

We have these solar panels that collect sunlight and concentrate it in this special solar pulse emitter mounted on the balcony here.


You use it to provide power?

No, we use it to target and vaporize any subdivision gates that won't open automatically for the mayor.


Is this parking building way overpriced?

OK, that's enough. You want the truth? We had to spend a lot on stuff that will anticipate high-tech developments.


Like what?

We needed to build mounts for future thermocouplers and flux capacitor stations.


Excuse me?

Our contractor assures us these will be necessary when time traveling flying cars are invented and they'll need to park somewhere. He also recommended the reinforced pylons for fusion powered tractor beams.


What?

You know, for when Imperial Shuttles have to park somewhere?


And this is what makes it world class?

Yes, if the world you're talking about is Coruscant.


You paid the price for a super high-rise building but this one only has 11 floors. Why?

Well, we were going to add another floor...


And?

But that's another story.

 

Tune in to the next Senate hearing for the latest episode of this exciting series.

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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.