What Noy should say on Monday

by Teddy Locsin, Jr.

Posted at Jul 26 2014 02:25 AM | Updated as of Jul 26 2014 10:25 AM

This is how Noynoy’s SONA should go. It will turn things around for him but not by 360 degrees because that will take him back to where he is now.

No sir, I mean a 180-degree turn from looking back to getting the country looking forward again, following his gaze like Washington on a boat crossing the Potomac. By the way, US officials told Cory when she asked for advice in dredging the Pasig that more US congressmen have gone to jail from dredging the Potomac than from any other of their multifarious and multitudinous crimes. So here goes for Noy’s SONA on Monday:

“Let me be brief for once and let me speak in a civilized language so the world may know and the intelligent may understand.

“We don’t see eye-to-eye all the time if ever but trust me. I want what’s best for our country.

“I see now that that is hard to do though I think I have succeeded in some appreciable measure.

“In the little time that’s left to me, unless I run again with a change of the Constitution, I want to make it impossible for corruption to return after I leave office by taking away, not the opportunities to steal which are numberless, but the plenty that there is to steal in government by leaving very little of that behind after I leave. I know I have spent the money well and honestly. I am not at all sure it will be the same with my successors. Indeed, I fear the worst.

“And so, to my co-workers in Congress, I will certify the following bills as urgent. Trust me on this, they will revive, refresh, and resurrect the people’s formerly high opinion of us, which is now six feet under.

“I urge you to pass these measures. It will endear us to the people. It will ensure your reelection though no longer your further enrichment.

“And it will change our country like nothing has before; not even EDSA.

“It will put the wealth of the nation in the hands of those who earn it, the Filipino people, instead of in the hands of those who steal and waste it: the government I have tried to reform.

“Therefore, I shall file the following bills:

“One, lowering the personal income tax to 5% on gross, no deductions allowed, for income of one million or less; 10% on gross, ditto, for two million or less; 15% ditto on income of 3 million or less; 20% on income of 4 million or less; 21% for income above 4 million. So as to get some applause from the foreign chambers of commerce, all Caucasians shall be tax-exempt because that is really what they want to hear.

“Two, repealing the value-added tax across the board and replacing it with a sales tax of 5% on all items.

“Three, repealing all customs duties on any electronic device of whatsoever kind so that more people can afford them. This will take them to the future that is already here.

“Four, releasing all prisoners over 60 years of age not convicted of violent crimes.

“Five, preparing the emptied cells for those who still cheat on taxes after the aforementioned reductions.

“Six, providing a P20 million reward for any policeman who snitches on his fellow policemen even if they are all engaged in criminal activities.

“Seven, ditto members of the Armed Forces.

“Eight, P30 million any government worker who snitches on his co-workers and even confederates or superiors engaged in criminal activities.

“Nine, complete amnesty for communist rebels who join the Armed Forces to combat Islamic terrorism.

“Ten, I am bound to think of something else. The Constitution says the president may deliver as many state of the nation addresses as the situation calls for.

“In short, I don’t want to leave to my successors as much money in government as I have tried to keep from being stolen.

“I won’t take up more of your time. Let’s get to work on these measures pronto, so I am cancelling tomorrow as a holiday. I will sign these measures into law on December 1st so as to give our people a very merry Christmas. They wont’ be hard to craft because they will more or less one sentence bills repealing existing legislation.

“Thank you and good day.”

Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.