OPINION: Preparing for the UN review

Alan Robles

Posted at May 05 2017 10:03 PM | Updated as of May 06 2017 02:38 AM

Facing a United Nations Human Rights Council periodic review, the Duterte administration is sending a special delegation to Geneva. The elite team will properly address the issue by taking down the names of UN officials, putting them on lists and warning them they might be visited by members of the Philippine National Police riding tandem bikes.        

Just kidding.

Actually, the delegation will appear before the council and swear - by all that's holy, on the sainted bald head of the justice secretary - that Duterte's war on drugs is NOT violating human rights and ISN'T encouraging extrajudicial killings, no no no siree, everything is fine in the Philippines and will the UN kindly just stop making up all these charges?

You can imagine that the delegation's job requires thorough preparation. In fact, its members are even now undergoing comprehensive, grueling briefings. An insider gave us one of the teaching aids, which we're reprinting below. It's a short quiz consisting of tricky questions and you're supposed to pick the best answers. Those who fail to do so will be immediately dropped form the delegation and sent to Davao to become discount tour guides for Chinese sailors.

Understanding Human Rights Duterte Style

1. During his election campaign, Duterte promised many people would be killed. Shortly after he became president, what started happening?

        a. People started being killed

        b. People started singing

        c. People went to the malls

2. When media showed a picture showing a grief-stricken woman cradling the body of her murdered partner, an alleged drug suspect, what did the president say?

        a. "It's so much drama"

        b. "I should have been first"

        c. "I need more fentanyl."

3. When the president was told that people were being murdered left and right what did he say?

        a. "More people need to die"

        b. "I killed three people myself"

        c. "Where's my fentanyl"

4. When the president was told that among the thousands being murdered were children, what did he say?

        a. "That's just collateral damage"

        b. "Hitler killed three million"

        c. "Where's my fentanyl"

5. What action did the president take to have the thousands of murders investigated?

        a. Nothing

        b. Fearlessly attacked the media

        c. Went to Beijing

6. What did the Senate justice and human rights committee say when it investigated extrajudicial killings?

        a. There's no such thing as extrajudicial killings

        b. These are just plain ordinary gruesome mass murders, nothing to worry about

        c. Everything is fine

7. When the Senate was visited by people claiming to be coldblooded killers who participated in extrajudicial killings, what did the senators do?

        a. Threw out the witnesses

        b. Said there's no such thing as extrajudicial killings

        c. Said that everything is fine

8. It is impossible for extrajudicial killings to be happening because

        a. Whenever I go home from work at the Krusty Krab I don't see any corpses on the streets

        b. There's no such thing as EJK

        c. I want to be secretary of foreign affairs


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