Understanding the new tax payment procedures

Hot Manila - By Alan Robles

Posted at Apr 13 2015 07:48 PM | Updated as of Apr 14 2015 03:48 AM

Greetings freelancers! This year, the tax bureau is rolling out a new way for you to pay taxes. Instead of filling up all those stupid old forms by hand and just handing in over the documents and cash, you will now have to do it electronically. It's easy! All you need is the IQ of a theoretical physicist, the patience of the Pope and the persistence of a zombie.

Surprise, the bureau has revealed this new procedure just a few weeks from the deadline. More than enough time to deal with the change. And you to help you understand the new procedure, we're publishing this brief guide.

1. What do I need to pay my taxes?

Nothing simpler! All you need are a few items, namely:

a. Computer (if you don't have one, buy one immediately. Don't forget to declare it as an expense)
b. Windows 7 or XP or Vista
c. Internet Explorer 8
d. Internet connection
e. DVD burner
f. Scanner
g. Printer
h. Legal-sized paper that is neither too thin nor too thick
i. Notary public (we suggest you keep this stored in a handy place, such as beside your printer)

2. What if I'm a Mac user?

See Form 666, Schedule X, Appendix 5, Section 8.21, Par 98: “Not Our Problem.”

3. What if I don't know anything about computers?

No worries! You can always go to jail. Just kidding. No, actually, we're not. We suggest you sign up for a quick computer course. Don't forget, you might be able to declare it as an expense! Isn't that something?

4. Do I need anything else?

The following things are optional but might prove useful:
a. Sedatives
b. Rubber club
c. Psychiatric counseling

5. I seem to have everything. What do I do now?

Download the indicated documents from our site. With luck, somewhere in that big pile of documents will be the tiny form you need. If not, try again.

6. I can't download anything from your site. It has crashed.

See Form 666, Schedule X, Appendix 5, Section 8.21, Par 98: “Not Our Problem.”

7. I've been trying to print out the document but the margins won't fit on my printer

If you make a mistake in the print margins, we will jail you. HAHA. Just kidding. No, seriously. We'll jail you.

8. The notary public is making gibbering noises and is trying to escape. What do I do?

Don't let him get away. This is where the rubber club might come in handy.

9. The documents you want me to scan are too big for the scanner

See Form 3000, Appendix 20000 Paragraph 900. “Tough Luck.”

10. All right, I managed to download the correct document, what do I need to do now?

You will need to print out something, fill out something, scan something, burn something into a DVD, bring something to the notary public and then file something. Do not mix up these steps. Do not, for example, fill out the disc and burn the notary. If you do that, our receiving clerks will laugh at you and make you cry

11. I did it! I filled up the form, subdued the notary, submitted and paid my taxes and took the sedatives. I am now ready for psychiatric counseling.

Wasn't that easy? Make sure you get a correct receipt from the psychiatrist just in case we decide to make insanity tax deductible.

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Disclaimer: The views in this blog are those of the blogger and do not necessarily reflect the views of ABS-CBN Corp.