Political analyst worried this President doesn't know how to lie properly

By Alan Robles

Posted at Mar 16 2015 03:33 PM | Updated as of Mar 16 2015 11:33 PM

Two dubious political analysts yesterday expressed "serious concern" that the President doesn't know how to lie properly.

"He's a danger to the country," said analyst A. Maggot, warning that "the President's total inability to lie could cause chaos."

Citing the Mamasapano fiasco, Maggot said "it's clear he doesn't want to tell the whole truth, but can't bring himself to lie. He just babbles things that are probably true but nobody can understand."

He claimed that "a REAL president would know how to deal with this: he'd either tell an outrageous bald-faced lie, claiming executive privilege on the basis of national security, or he might issue an executive order preventing any official from attending congressional hearings. He might even arrange for some people to disappear. That's how it's done!"

But instead, Maggot said, "this kind of bumbling clumsy honesty confuses a nation used to the leadership of pathological liars."

"Actually that's not the only problem," said another analyst, Jose Lizardrino. "Do you get the idea that this president is - mental?"

Lizardrino said that while previous presidents ranged from sociopathic murderers, bandits, graft masters and chronic drunkards to serial sex fiends and non-stop liars, "this one is different."

He asserted this president needed to be psychologically diagnosed "not only for his lack of empathy, but also for his fixation on ACTUALLY fighting corruption. Instead of just talking about curbing graft, he's actually trying to do it. That's not right. Why I bet you he never even takes cuts on infrastructure projects. Where are his billions in illegal accounts in Switzerland, or Singapore, or Jakarta? Eh? Eh?"

Analyst Maggot said "I could never trust a president like that to give me a sinecure in a government board. How could I sit comfortably, making hundreds of thousands for doing nothing, knowing the president is like that? He can't lie, doesn't steal, won't listen to rotten relatives, has no mistresses, can't socialize - he must be some kind of alien."

"What a putz!" Lizardino said. "I bet if he DID have a mistress, he would never appoint her to a government corporation such as Duty Free. Anyway he certainly hasn't appointed ME to any lucrative posts I'm unqualified for, such as the Asian Development Bank."

Maggot said: "We need a replacement: somebody who won't creep people out, you know the usual president who knows how to lie, intimidate, steal and order people tortured. The sort of leader within OUR comfort zone.

"This one is just too freaky. Unnatural."

Palace officials declined to comment on the analysts' statements, saying the President was running a full schedule practicing shooting at his feet and digging deeper holes.

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