Marcos loyalists' solution to national problems: resurrect dictator

By Alan Robles

Posted at Feb 24 2015 11:35 AM | Updated as of Feb 24 2015 07:35 PM

Marcos loyalists have a simple solution to the country's problems: bring the dictator back from the dead.

At the brutal tyrant's crypt in Batac, fanatics have gathered to do just that.

Amid eerie rhythmic chanting from massed robed worshipers accompanied by the steady pounding of a huge drum, shrieking shamans called on the refrigerated corpse to come back to life.

"Hear the pleas of your cringing worthless loyalist minions, oh master," they implored, pleas interspersed with bloodcurdling howls of "Marcos pa rin."

The rite was abruptly interrupted when the electricity shut down, and sounds of dripping were mixed with curses.

"The cooperative has cut off the power again!" yelled one of the unholy priests."Hurry you fools, pay the bill before master turns into a malignant puddle."

Taking a break, one leader talked to reporters.

"We're trying to resurrect master just in time for the People Power celebration," said Ghoul Purol, a self-described Necromarcos and part-time gorilla impersonator.

He explained "the times simply call for a Marcos, and let's face it - the son just doesn't cut it. I mean, the intent is there, but not the smarts, know what I mean?"

Purol said "Marcos senior's approach was simple and straightforward. Lie. Steal. Kill. Don't you miss the New Society days? Peace and order, free torture, all the illegal arrests you want, salvage galore."

The resurrectionist claimed that "brought back to life and restored to his tyranny, our beloved evil lord Ferdinand can handle just about any national problem. Troubles in Mindanao? Vaporize Mindanao. Imbecile senators? Vaporize the Senate. Noisy critics? Exterminate critics."

Purol said, "surely the Dark One will release our beloved leader one more time."

He introduced reporters to a high priestess, Magda Nakaw, who admitted the process of bringing the dictator back to life has been hit and miss so far.

"We've been desperately thinking of ways to lure master back. We piled money in front of his crypt, but nothing happened. That's when we realized Marcos stole more money than we could possibly amass.

"We then contracted Sheetwick Malign Worldwide, a consultancy on the occult, and they cast a magic spell complete with smoke and fire. But when the smoke cleared, the only thing that had happened was the pile of money had disappeared."

After that, "we hired a professional reanimator, but it turned out he was a cartoonist for Pixar, and he'd already drawn several sketches before we discovered the mistake."

Nakaw said "we also thought we'd offer to sacrifice the brains of loyalists, after all they don't use them. But we realized most loyalists have no brains to begin with."

Now, she explained, "to tempt master back, we're putting up life-size pinups of his mistress Dovie Beams - wait, what's that you fool", she screamed at a dark minion.

"I meant pictures of Dovie Beams in 1970, not in 2010!"

Purol sighed. "If this doesn't work, we might need a human sacrifice.

"Anybody know where Imelda is?"

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